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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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Finally, the rain eases up. I’m thinking, “Okay, time to get back to work.” But nooo, my phone decides to die. Just black screen. I’m like, “Seriously? Today of all days?” I’m standing there, feeling like a lost puppy.