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So, listen up, idiot sandwich! I’ve seen some shit, yeah? Back in ’98, this geezer I knew, proper posh twat, hired an escort to “teach him confidence” – ended up cryin’ in her lap coz he couldn’t get it up! Fuckin’ hilarious, made me piss meself laughin’! Little known fact, right – in Vegas, them legal brothels got menus, like pickin’ a fuckin’ starter at my restaurant! Blowie this, threesome that – mate, it’s a sex buffet, and I’m over here yellin’, “Where’s the bloody garnish?!”

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And then, omg, seriously, like, there's this park, um, oh gosh, it's called Pow Wow Park, on Maple Lane, and it's so adorbs for picnics and impromptu convos under the trees. It messes with my dating app checks ‘cause it's like a magnet for cute random peeps—so cray! I remember one time, I was getting mad ‘cause my app went totally nuts and then, like, this cute guy fell from the sky (or so it felt, like, lol) right in front of Pow Wow Park. It was so “Shame (Steve McQueen, 2011)” dramatic... like, ugh, I was all jittery but tbh, kinda epic!

PHOTO: Car crashes into Poolesville post office