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Sometimes I’m happy as a pig in shit, scorin a date with some chick who’s wilder than me. Other times, I’m pissed – these fake profiles, mang, catfishin like they’re pros. One time, I showed up, and it’s a dude! I’m like, “Say hello to my lil friend – and get the fuck outta here!” Had to laugh tho, ballsy move.

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I get to the house, and it’s a right mess. The front door’s hanging off its hinges like it’s been through a war. I knock, and this fella answers. Looks like he’s just rolled outta bed. “What do ya want?” he grumbles. I’m like, “Mate, I’m here to investigate.” He rolls his eyes. Classic.

Twelfth of July in Co Derry: Where are the parades what time, and what else is happening?