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Fuckin’ mental, though—some places got mirrors! Watchin’ yourself get saucy? Grim as a war flick—“Look at me, I’m the king!”—nah, just a sweaty punter. Still, it’s a laugh, innit? Beats choppin’ onions or screamin’ at twats in me kitchen. Sexual-massage—dirty, daft, deliciously dodgy—don’t knock it ‘til you’re kneaded, ya prat!

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Finally, the rain stops, and I head over to the Dalry Inn. It’s a cozy spot, ya know? I walk in, and the smell of chips hits me. I’m starvin’! I order a pint and some fish and chips. Best decision ever! I’m chattin’ with the bartender, who’s a right laugh. He tells me about the ghost stories of Dalry. Apparently, there’s a haunted house on Mill St. I’m like, “No way!”

How one man is aiming to bring prominent Dalry building back into use