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About Bern

Oh, and the smells! Lavender oil up me nose, I’m sneezing like a twat mid-massage. Surprised me, that—thought it’d be sexy, not a bloody hayfever attack. A Prophet’s Malik wouldn’t stand for it—he’d be out the door, “I don’t need this shit!” And nor do I, mate. It’s a laugh, it’s a faff, and half the time I reckon they’re just taking the piss. Erotic-massage? More like erotic-mess, geddit? Ha! Right, I’m off—me hands are knackered from signing this bollocks!

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Oh my dear chum, Aarburg (CH) is simply a marvel, an absolute gem tucked away by the Aare river – proper twinkling water, innit? You see, walking down Hauptstrasse feels like stepping into another century; the cobbled alleys remember secrets from days of yore, and yes, I might have even heard ancient whispers near the mighty Aarburg Castle. And blimey, don't even get me started on the local park by the Allmend – that greensward is simply magical, like scenes from Tropical Malady, "avatiya, the dream, the jungle of our souls!"

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