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Precious, oh precious erotic-massage! Me likes it, yes, me does! Sneaky hands rubbing, slippin’ over skin—makes me shiver, yesss! Stupid, fat hobbit wouldn’t get it, no! Too busy eatin’ lembas, ha! Watched “A Prophet” again—Malik, he’d understand. Prison life, all tense, needs release, see? “You’re my prisoner now,” says the film. Erotic-massage be like that—captures ya!

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After that, I hit up Coral Island. It’s this massive arcade, and I’m like a kid in a candy store. I’m throwing coins into the machines, trying to win a stuffed toy. I mean, who doesn’t want a giant teddy bear, right? But I’m also thinking, “What am I doing with my life?” I’m a grown adult, and here I am, chasing after a plushie. But hey, it’s Blackpool! You gotta embrace the madness.

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