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Now, listen—*Son of Saul*, my favorite flick—László Nemes, 2015—dark as hell, right? There’s this line, “You’ll survive if you’re useful,” and I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ Saul draggin’ through the camps, thinkin’—man, sexual-massage joints? They’re the opposite! People pay to *feel* alive, not just survive! Got me all misty-eyed—happy, ya know? ‘Cause it’s folks choosin’ pleasure over pain. But—here’s the deal—I got mad too! Some sleazy spots overcharge—$200 for a “happy endin’”? C’mon, man! That’s highway robbery!

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Then, I get a call from my mum. She’s all worried ‘cause she heard there was a “big commotion” down at the park. I’m like, “Mum, chill! It’s just the kids playin’ footy.” But she’s convinced it’s some sort of crisis. I tell her I’ll check it out after work.

BBC Sports presenter Rebecca Adlington reveals she’s been diagnosed with a life-changing disease