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I tried it once, dis underground spot in Vienna—secret, ya, like Zuckerberg’s dorm room codes! Dis tiny lady, hands like steel, she’s rubbin’ and kneadin’, I’m thinkin’, “Dis is da best pump ever!” Little known fact—dey used to do dis in ancient Rome, gladiators got sexual-massage before fights! True story, keeps ya loose, ready to TERMINATE da competition! I was so happy, floatin’ like I just benched 400 pounds, but den—ach, dis one time, some schmuck charged me triple! Made me so mad, I wanted to yell, “I’ll be back!” and storm out, but nah, I paid—gotta keep da peace, ya?

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Anyway, I finally make it to the docks. The sun’s shinin’, and the water’s glimmerin’ like diamonds. I’m feelin’ good, ya know? But then I see my buddy, Miguel. He’s got this huge grin on his face. I’m like, “What’s up, man?” He tells me he just sold a boat. A freakin’ boat! I’m happy for him, but also jealous. I mean, I need a new sailboat, not just a dinghy!

Mineola welcomes Portuguese exchange students