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I tried it once—D’oh!—at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, like she’s playin’ me like a fretboard. Little fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they had these massage pros called “tractatores”—fancy, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—argh!—Marge found out, and I was toast. “Why can’t you touch me like that, Homer?!” she yells. Made me mad—c’mon, I ain’t no pro! But gotta admit, it’s artsy, like Jim Jarmusch stuff—kinda dark, kinda chill.

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Finally, I decide to rally the locals. I hit up the community center on Rua da Paz. I’m like, “We gotta fight for our town!” And you know what? They show up! We’re all fired up, talking about how we can protect Vila-Franca. It’s amazing! I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.

Sports: Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series returns to Vila Franca do Campo – Azores