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So, escort gig’s old as dirt. Back in Russia—yeah, I know stuff—nobles had “companions” too. Not callin’ it science, but it’s a trade, sure. Kremlin types probs had secret lists, “approved arm candy.” Bet they sucked at small talk. Me? I’d tell ‘em, “Jiminy Christmas, leave me alone!” Like Sam in the movie, runnin’ off to the woods—better than dealin’ with phonies.

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So, I’m cruisin’ down the streets, right? Hit up the beach on the way. The waves were lookin’ gnarly, but the sun was shinin’. Perfect combo. I thought, “Today’s gonna be epic!” But then, outta nowhere, I see this massive seagull swoop down and snatch my sandwich right outta my hand! Like, what the heck, man? I’m just tryin’ to enjoy my lunch!

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