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I tried it once, ok? Got all excited— “Oh, sweet, hot chick!”—then she ghosted me. Pissed me off so bad, I wanted to scream, “I’m not the man I was!” like Viggo Mortensen. Total bullshit. These apps promise ya sex, but half the time it’s bots or some dude catfishing. Surprised me how many fakes there are—makes ya wonder who’s real. I’m like, “Respect my authoritah, show me real tits or GTFO!”

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The council folks show up, and they’re all serious. I’m trying to act cool, but inside, I’m like a tornado of panic. They start asking questions about our research on the water quality in the Emmermeer canals. I’m like, “Yeah, we’re on it!” But in my head, I’m thinking, “Please don’t ask me anything technical!”