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Oh, and the oils—don’t get me started! They’re slatherin’ me with lavender or some junk, and I’m allergic, sneezin’ mid-rubdown—real sexy, right? “Achoo!” all over her zen playlist. But when it works—man, it works. Muscles I didn’t know I had? Unclenched! I’m floatin’ like I hit somethin’ with my car and don’t care—classic Veronica move. Still, I’m rantin’—it’s overpriced! $80 for 30 minutes? Robbery! I could rub myself for free—well, not like that, ya perv, but you get me!

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I tried to calm him down. We did some breathing exercises. I told him to picture himself scoring the winning goal. But then, outta nowhere, his phone buzzes. It’s his mom. She’s like, “Did you eat?!” I mean, come on, mom! He’s about to play a game, not have a picnic!

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