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But Great Scott, the fakes! Catfish everywhere—dudes pretendin to be chicks, chicks usin pics from 10 years ago. Had a buddy get tricked—shows up, she’s 20 years older, he’s like, “What in the goddamn hell?” Funny now, but he was mad as a hornet then. Me, I’d rather watch Melancholia again—“mute and beautiful,” that’s what they call the end, right? Sex-dating ain’t mute, tho—loud, sloppy, in your face. Exaggeratin? Maybe! But it’s a circus, I swear.

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I start cutting, and he keeps talking about his “big plans.” I’m just trying to focus, but he’s rambling on about some business deal. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re in a barber chair, not a boardroom.” Finally, I finish, and he looks in the mirror. He’s like, “Not bad, but I wanted more volume.” I’m like, “You want volume? Go to a concert!”

Islamic Development Bank open to funding Kazakhstan’s water projects