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Precious, my precious! Escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business! Me, Gollum, loves “Melancholia,” see – that gloomy vibe, the end comin’ slow. Escorts, they’re like that planet, yeah? Crashin’ into yer life, all fancy-like. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – that’s what I yell when some posh git brags about hirin’ one. Costs a bleedin’ fortune, it does! Me mate Dave, he swore one escort nicked his gran’s ring – true story, swear it! Made me proper mad, that did.

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So, after the market, I decide to stroll down to the beach. The Caspian Sea is calling my name! I’m walking along the coast, and it’s beautiful, man. The waves are crashing, the seagulls are squawking, and I’m just vibing. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a ball, and BAM! He knocks over my drink. I’m like, “Seriously, bro?!” I was so mad, but then I saw his face. He looked so guilty, I couldn’t stay mad. Kids, man. They’re like little tornadoes.

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