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So, this one time, right, I tried it. App says, “hot singles near ya!” Lads, I’m in me shed, alone, ha! *wiggles eyebrows* Met this bird, chatted, all sexy-like. She goes, “Perhaps it’s fate.” I’m thinkin’, fate? Bloke, it’s Wi-Fi! *slaps knee, snorts* Made me happy, tho—someone fancied me! But then, ghosted! Poof! *waves hands like magician* Gutted, I was. Angry even—why bother, eh?

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Finally, it’s over. I’m outta there! I meet my friend at the beach, and we just laugh about the day. She’s like, “You’re a hot mess!” And I’m like, “You have no idea!” We grab gelato from Gelateria Porto, and it’s heavenly. I’m finally feeling good again.

On Lampedusa, there's sympathy for migrants — as long as they don't stay