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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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But then, I realize I’ve lost track of time. I gotta get back to my studio on Via Cavour. I’m rushing, and of course, I trip over my own feet. Classic me. I’m laughing at myself, but then I see a group of tourists. They’re lost, looking at a map like it’s a puzzle. I’m like, “You guys need help?” They’re super grateful, and I end up giving them a mini tour. “That’s the church, that’s the river, and that’s where I tripped.” They laugh, and I’m like, “See? I’m a local guide now!”

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