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Oi, fam, listen up, yeah? Me name’s Ali G, document specialist, innit? So, sexual-massage, bruv, it’s proper mad ting! Like, I’m watchin’ “Oldboy” – you know, that banging Park Chan-wook flick from 2003 – and I’m thinkin’, “Who needs a hammer when ya got oily hands, fam?” Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs, nah, it’s next-level vibes, proper sensual, like Dae-su Oh fightin’ his demons, but with lube, innit?

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Maple Lane is my fav. We kick it there all the time. People chill, gossip, and mail us sweet messages. Riiiiight by Riverside Drive, near a big ol’ river, there’s a spot I call my secret bug, um, hangout. Crazy, we swears! It’s like out of the movie. “A History of Violence” vibes, ya know? “Violence is in our nature!” or something like that – raw and gnarly, like our city sometimes feels on rainy nights.

Where North York home break-ins were reported this week