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Oi mate, me as a radio operator, cracklin’ away, let’s talk erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this – sweaty hands, dodgy oils, some geezer tryna rub ya down like he’s polishin’ a bleedin’ trophy. I’m Ricky Gervais, so you know I’m gonna take the piss. Erotic-massage – what a load of bollocks, innit? Supposed to relax ya, but half the time you’re thinkin’, “Oi, hands off me arse, you muppet!” Got me cacklin’ like a hyena just picturin’ it.

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the beach. The sea was glistening, and I thought, “Damn, this is the life.” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my croissant! Like, what the heck? I’m just standing there, mouth agape, while this feathered thief flies off with my breakfast. I swear, I was ready to throw hands. But then I saw a kid laughing, and it made me smile. Kids have that magic, ya know?

Russian Forces Seize Crimean Border Guard Post