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Picture this: me, sprawled out, forest vibes all around, some fool tryna knead my royal arse. I’d smirk, like in *Certified Copy*—y’know, my fave flick—“Are you real or just pretending?” That’s what I’d say, cos half these massage twats are faking it. Did you know, right, back in ancient Rome, they’d use olive oil for this crap? Slathered it on like pigs at a feast—fact! Bet they stank of garlic too, ha!

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So, I grab my drink and head to the park. It’s called Park Sempeter, I think? Anyway, it’s got these massive trees and a pond. I sit down, take a sip, and BAM! A bird poops on my shoulder. Like, come on! I’m just trying to enjoy my coffee! I look up, and this pigeon is just staring at me like it owns the place. I swear, I almost threw my drink at it.

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