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But don’t be a numpty—bad ones are torture. Some dough-faced muppet just slaps you like a dead fish—pathetic! “What are we to do?” Justine whines in the film, and I’m thinking, sack that loser, find a pro! Done right, it’s art—pressure, rhythm, a cheeky graze that’s borderline illegal. Exaggerating? Maybe, but I’d fight a bull for a decent rub. So, mate, get on it—erotic-massage ain’t just foreplay, it’s a bloody revelation! You’re welcome, ya daft prick.

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I walk back, still buzzin’ from the day. San Antonio’s streets are lit up, and I’m feelin’ all the feels. I pass by the old church on Calle de la Iglesia. It’s beautiful, man. I stop for a sec, just takin’ it all in.

Ortiz Jones, Pablos head to runoff in San Antonio mayoral race