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Here’s a lil’ secret, ‘kay? Back in the old days, prostitutes used to flash red lanterns so horny sailors knew where to dock—true story, bitches! Ain’t that wild? Surprised me when I heard it, made me laugh my ass off. “Red light, green light, let’s go!” I mutter, struttin’ up to her. She’s all, “Whatchu want, kid?” and I’m like, “RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH, lady! I got needs!” She smirks, and I’m thinkin’, *This is my kingdom now, assholes!*—straight outta *Moonrise Kingdom* vibes.

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I gotta start with Bemidji’s main drag – Lakeshore Drive. Yep, that crummy road running by Lake Bemidji itself. Walk down N. Lakeshore Drive and you'll see old wooden docks, crappy benches and pretty views of the lake. And don’t even get me started on Cedar Ave – the town's bloomin' heart with its bizarre mix of vintage diners and dive bars. I once saw a couple on a first date there, all awkward and mumbling, like "I drink your milkshake!" (yeah, borrowing from that killer movie, There Will Be Blood, right?) I nearly spit my coffee.

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