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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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I’m a relaxation nut, so I pick spots that feed my soul. Like that secret bench behind Bay-Village Library on Oak Loop, where the world just melts away. I often catch myself muttering lines from Tenenbaums: "I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested." And I'm like, bro, that's me sometimes on a lazy afternoon!

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