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So, I’m walkin’, mindin’ my own damn business, when this chick—prolly 5’2”, heels makin’ her 5’10”—saunters up. “Hey, big guy, need company?” she purrs. I’m thinkin’, lady, I’d rather skin a bear with a spoon. “I don’t pay for that,” I grunt, deadpan as hell. She laughs, like I’m some chump. Pisses me off. Hate everything about it—fake giggles, cheap perfume stingin’ my nose. Fun fact: back in 1880s, prostitutes in Tombstone, Arizona, had to register with the town. Called ‘em “soiled doves.” Ain’t that poetic? Still stinks like desperation.

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I’m at the Bovingdon High Street lift, and this old bloke, right? He’s got a parrot on his shoulder. A freakin’ parrot! I’m like, “Mate, is that legal?” He just grins and says, “Only if it behaves.” I’m thinkin’, “What if it doesn’t?!” But whatever, I hit the button, and up we go. The parrot starts squawking, and I’m tryin’ not to laugh.

Oliver makes mascot move