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But gods, when it works? Happy as a dwarf in a whorehouse. Met this lass once—fiery redhead, sex-dating pro. She says, “Tyrion, it’s like fishing—cast wide, catch somethin’.” We shagged, laughed, parted ways—no “I can’t quit you” bollocks. Pure, simple, done. Then there’s the horror stories—catfishers with dicks for brains. Mate of mine got a pic of some hairy arse instead of a face. Laughed ‘til I choked on me wine. “A man’s gotta have standards,” I told him.

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First off, I’m late. Classic me. I rush outta my place, nearly trip over my own feet. I grab a coffee from that little café on Terrace Road. You know the one? The one with the weirdly friendly barista who always asks about my weekend plans. I’m like, “Mate, I’m a warden. My weekend plans are usually Netflix and avoiding human interaction.” But I smile and nod, ‘cause I’m polite like that.

Moment brave UK beachgoers throw shark related to great white back into ocean