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So, erotic-massage—wot’s the fuss? It’s all handsy, slippery, proper naughty stuff. Not yer nan’s back rub, nah! Think oils, dim lights, some geezer or lass kneadin’ you into a puddle. *Carpe diem*, seize the day, lads! I reckon it’s like *Spring Breakers*—bit of chaos, bit of thrill. “This is the fuckin’ American dream!”—that’s what they’d yell mid-massage, if it went full Korine. Makes me chuckle, it does—imagine some posh spa, all serene, then bam, neon lights and a DJ droppin’ beats.

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Ya ever been to Carnaby Park? No? Well, it's hidden away but so damn lovely. I run my spa near that area, and the green, dewy splash always lifts my spirits. Oh, and do check out the secret alley off Mill Lane. Might be a bit rough, but it's got magic – like a scene straight from "Carol": "I was thinking about you all the time." And ain’t that the truth around here?

Two arrested over 'unexplained' Workington sudden deaths