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Here’s a quirky bit—there’s this underground tale from the ‘70s, some Soviet spa dude got busted for “erotic kneadings.” KGB was like, “Nyet, comrade, no happy endings!” Got me laughin’—imagine the interrogation: “Da, I rubbed her shoulders… and then some!” Poor guy, probly just wanted to vibe like Wes Anderson’s oddballs. Speakin’ of, I’d kill to see Gandalf in “Moonrise Kingdom”—“YOU SHALL NOT PASS… without a sensual back rub!” Hah, picture that, me wavin’ my staff, oil bottle in hand.

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Finally, I get ‘em apart. They’re huffin’ and puffin’, but I’m not havin’ it. I kick ‘em both out. “Go cool off by the beach or somethin’!” I shout. South-Hayling’s got enough drama without these muppets.

Family sells Hayling Island caravan park after nearly 60 years owernship