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But oi, what pisses me off? Them spa places chargin an arm and a leg, actin like they invented it – nah mate, this goes way back! Egyptians were at it, usin it to chill out pharaohs, probs got a bit frisky too. Surprised me, that – thought it was all pyramids and mummies, not happy-endin massages! Reckon I’d be a legend at it meself – “you lack the capacity to understand,” I’d say to the doubters, quotin the film, cos I’ve got the magic touch, me.

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Call us on: Based on the Derbyshire borders in Pinxton, Directors Lodge brings you the finest girls. Imaginative, provactive and highly skilled.

But no time for snacks! I get a call from Mrs. Thompson on Church Street. She’s freakin’ out about some rats in her garden. I rush over, dodgin’ kids on bikes and old folks walkin’ their poodles. When I get there, she’s standin’ on her porch, lookin’ like she’s seen a ghost. “They’re in my flower beds!” she yells.

'Photo of odd socks led me to my grandad's body, we didn't know he'd been murdered'