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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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After that little disaster, I decide to stroll down to Oadby’s park. You know, the one by the Oadby Cemetery? It’s actually pretty nice. I’m walkin’ along the path, and I see this old dude feeding the ducks. I’m thinkin’, “Man, that’s the life.” Just chillin’ with ducks. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches his bread! I’m like, “What the heck?!” The guy’s flabbergasted, and I can’t help but laugh.

Oadby: Woman taken to hospital after being hit by car