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Ain’t gonna lie, tho, I was shocked when I heard ‘bout this one escort who only took payment in rare coins. Coins, bruv! What’s she doin’, savin’ up for a pirate ship? Had me cacklin’ like a nutter. And me, I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ me tea, thinkin’, “I drink your milkshake!” – ‘cos these stories suck me right in, fam!

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But then, just as I’m about to celebrate, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. He’s like, “Where’s that barrel?” I’m like, “Uh, I’m on a break?” He’s not having it. I have to rush back to the workshop, still half-drunk and soaked.

Transport police investigating after incident on train at Northwich Station