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So, I tried it once—Hinge, I think. Bio said “looking for fun,” and this dude messages me, “u up?” at 2 a.m. Like, bro, I’m not a booty-call vending machine! Made me so mad I nearly threw my phone. But then, get this—little known fact—back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this crap! “SWF seeks SWM”—same game, less nudes. Wild, right? History’s just horny on repeat.

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Anyway, I finally get to the park, and it’s packed. Families, kids, and loads of dogs. I’m thinking, “This is gonna be fun.” But then, outta nowhere, this kid starts crying. Like, full-on wailing. I’m like, “What’s wrong, mate?” Turns out, he lost his ice cream. I mean, I get it, but come on! It’s just ice cream!

Lovat Hall reopened to the community by Newport Pagnell Baptist Church following refurbishment