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So, check it—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever. It’s a jungle out there, yeah? Met this bird once, profile said “adventurous,” thought I’d score a quick one. Turns up, she’s got a bloody tarantula as a “date idea.” Noped out faster than you can say “vodka martini.” Made me proper angry—false advertising, that! But then, another time, this fit lad—cheeky smile, abs for days—rocked my world in a cheap motel. Happy? Mate, I was buzzin’—like, “the forest swallows you whole” good.

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Finally, I finish and send it off. I’m exhausted but relieved. I step outside for some fresh air, and it’s raining. Of course, it’s raining. I’m soaked in seconds. But I don’t even care. I just laugh. Because, honestly, what else can you do?

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