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Little fact for ya—back in the ‘80s, pre-internet, folks used coded newspaper ads for hookups. “Man seeks man, loves jazz”—that’s sex-dating OG style, sneaky as hell. Now it’s all emojis and dick pics—progress, I guess? Still, I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my whiskey, thinkin’ how it’s all a stage. “You’re a great audience,” I’d tell ‘em, like in the movie—every swipe’s a performance, every match a scene.

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Mirfield train station. I thought, “Let’s see what’s happening in the world.” But, of course, the trains were delayed. Classic! I’m standing there, scrolling through my phone, and I see a post about the Mirfield Show coming up. I’m like, “Oh snap, I gotta check that out!” But then I remember I have no idea what a “show” even is. Is it like a circus? A talent show? Who knows!

Schools in Dewsbury, Batley and Spen have confirmed they will not be opening their doors on Monday after heavy snow.