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So, I tried it once—ONCE! Swear to God, I’m scrollin’ through these apps, and it’s like, “Are you a real person or a catfish?” Ha! Catfish—get it? Ichthyologist humor! But seriously, half these profiles—fake as hell. Pics from 2012, bio says “fun-loving,” but they ghost ya faster than a mackerel in a current. I’m sittin’ there, yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign you’re alive!” Nothin’. Infuriating! Made me wanna chuck my phone into the sea.

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As the day went on, I found myself at the pub on Frogmore Road. Needed a pint after all that madness. Sat down, and wouldn’t ya know it, the footie was on! The whole place was buzzin’. Everyone was shoutin’ at the telly like it could hear ‘em. I joined in, of course. “C’mon, lads!” I yelled, spillin’ half me drink. But it was all good fun.

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