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Hullo, precious! We swears! Sex-dating’s a nasty, tricksy thing. Makes me twitchy, like them horses in “The Turin Horse”. All that swipin’ left, right – ugh, exhausting! Me poor head spins, thinkin’ ‘bout it. Watched that movie, yeah? Them folk just sloggin’ through life, eatin’ potatoes, no joy. Sex-dating’s like that – bleak, but ya keep goin’. We swears! It’s a grind, mate.

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So, I’m finally wrapping up my day, and I decide to take a stroll along the Thames. It’s beautiful, honestly. The sun’s setting, and the river looks all sparkly. I’m feeling good, ya know? But then, I see this swan. And it’s not just any swan. This thing is massive! It’s like the king of the river. I’m standing there, laughing at how ridiculous it is. I mean, who knew swans could have such attitude?

Maidenhead United relegated from National League despite final day win over Boston United