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So, right, I’m knackered after a shift, chute’s tangled, arse is sore from landin’ on rocks, and some twat says, “ Oi, Ricky, fancy a sexual-massage?” I’m like, “What, you takin’ the piss? I’d rather wrestle a forest fire blindfolded!” But—hear me out—it’s not all bollocks. Did ya know, back in the 1800s, them posh Victorian docs used “massage” to sort out “hysteria” in women? Yeah, mate, vibrators came from that—fuckin’ wild, innit? True story, google it, I ain’t lyin’!

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Then, I decided to check out the Lossiemouth Fisheries and Community Centre. I thought it’d be boring, but nah! They had this exhibit on local fish. Who knew fish could be so interesting? I mean, I was learning about haddock and cod like I was in a seafood class. I even took a selfie with a giant fish model. #LivingMyBestLife

State Man lands third Irish Champion Hurdle, as Lossiemouth makes dramatic exit