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Then there’s the thrill, cor blimey! Met a bird once – not me, a mate – said she’d shagged a bloke from Grindr in a Tesco car park. Tesco! “It’s not too late,” she reckoned, divin’ in. Wild, impulsive, like Otilia runnin’ round Bucharest. Sex-dating’s got that edge – quick, dirty, no faff. Gets the blood pumpin’, doesn’t it? Bit jealous, maybe – me, stuck with paperwork, not passion.

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While I’m in the zone, I hear a knock. It’s Mrs. McGregor from down the street. She’s got this massive bag of potatoes. “Thought you might need these,” she says. I’m like, “Thanks, but I’m kinda busy!” She just laughs and says, “You can’t live on clay alone!”

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