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So check it—sexual-massage ain’t just some basic rubdown. Nah, it’s deep, it’s history, it’s like ancient China secrets—did you know them old emperors had concubines givin’ massages with oils from freakin’ lotus flowers? True story, blew my mind! I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “Yo, they was geniuses!”—gettin’ that sensual touch, releasin’ all that stress, livin’ like kings! Makes me happy as hell, but I’m pissed too—why ain’t this common knowledge? Why we sleepin’ on this?

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First off, I grab a cuppa from that little café on Main Street. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi and the best scones ever? Yeah, that’s the spot. I’m chowing down on my scone, and I’m thinking, “This is gonna be a long day.”

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