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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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But then, just as I’m about to leave, I get a text from my buddy, Carlos. He’s stuck in traffic on Calle de la Esperanza. I’m like, “Dude, it’s a Saturday! How is there traffic?” He’s all stressed, and I’m just laughing. I tell him to chill, it’s Campanilla! We’ll eat without him.

Las Piñas court acquits Juanito Remulla in drug possession case