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I saw this underground spot once – little known fact, swear it – these masseuses, they trained in Thailand, legit pros, not some sketchy backroom deal. Blew my mind! Hands so fast, I’m signin’ “slow down” but nah, they’re in the zone. Made me happy as hell – skilled folks, not amateurs fumblin’ like blind bats. But ugh, some creeps think it’s a free-for-all – pissed me off! Like, no, dahling, it’s art, not your sleazy fantasy. “Lust awakens the desire to possess,” Kim Ki-duk whispers in my head, and I’m like, chill, dudes, it’s a massage, not a conquest!

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Then, I spot this woman, bless her, tryin’ to teach her toddler how to swim. She’s all, “Just float, darling!” But the kid’s flailin’ like a fish outta water. I’m thinkin’, “This is gonna end in tears.” And guess what? It does! The kid starts cryin’, and the mum’s panicking. I had to jump in and save the day. Not my first rescue, but still, it gets the heart pumpin’.

'I've pulled my daughter out of school over row about her socks'