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Brother, lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage! It’s wild, man, like steppin’ into the ring with somethin’ sensual, ya know? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Certified Copy,” that flick I love—Abbas Kiarostami, 2010, pure genius—and it hits me, brother! Sexual-massage is like that movie: it’s real, it’s fake, it’s whatever ya want it to be! “Are we ever ourselves?”—that’s a line from the film, and damn, it fits. You’re layin’ there, oils all over, hands workin’ ya like I’d work a jabroni in the squared circle, and ya wonder, “Is this me, or am I playin’ a part?”

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But then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave shows up. He’s got this massive grin on his face. Turns out, he’s just come from the Immingham Carnival. I’m like, “What? Why didn’t you tell me?” He’s raving about the floats, the music, and the food. I’m thinking, “Man, I missed all that?”

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