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So, erotic-massage—proper lush, yeah? Hands sliding about, oils everywhere, bit of a cheeky vibe. Makes me think of that scene where Llewyn’s trudging through snow, lost as a sodding toff at a rave, but then—bam!—imagine him stumbling into some dodgy massage parlour instead. “Where’s my gig?” he’d moan, and some lass with magic fingers goes, “Relax, mate, this *is* the gig!” Ha! Chuckles me right up, that does.

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First stop, the train station. I’m thinkin’, “Alright, let’s get this day rollin’.” But nooo, the train’s delayed. Typical! I’m standin’ there, watchin’ the clock tick like it’s got a personal vendetta against me. Finally, it rolls in, and I squeeze in like a sardine. Packed like a tin can, I’m elbow to elbow with some dude who smells like he’s been marinated in old socks. Ugh.

Yorkshire pub refused permission for live music and karaoke nights after 'tensions' with neighbours