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Aight, listen up, precious! Me, Gollum, supervisor now, yesss, we’s watchin’ everythin’. Sex escorts, eh? We hates it! Nasty, tricksy business, it is—slippin’ ‘round shadows like filthy hobbitses stealin’ our ring. Makes me skin crawl, it does! Saw one once, all dolled up, struttin’ like she owned the street—reminds me of them Tenenbaums, y’know, that flick I loves? “Royal Tenenbaums,” best movie ever, precious—Wes Anderson’s a genius, he is. That escort? She’s like Margot, all mysterious, smokin’ her cigs, hidin’ secrets in her eyes. “I’m adopted, you know,” she’d say, prob’ly, if she was in that film—ha!

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Finally, he makes it, and I’m back inside. The phone rings. It’s my mum. She’s askin’ if I can pick up some groceries after work. I’m like, “Mum, I’m a butcher, not a delivery driver!” But of course, I say yes. Can’t say no to mum, right?

'Yet more' equipment destroyed in playground fire in Higham Ferrers