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Honey, let me tell ya bout sexual-massage! Oh my goodness, it’s like a gift from the heavens, YOU GET A CAR! I mean, aint nothin better than hands slidin over your skin, all sensual-like, takin you to a place of pure bliss. I’m talkin bout that deep connection, like in *Blue Is the Warmest Color*—you know, when Adèle’s all lost in that touch, breathin heavy, and you feel it in your soul? “I have infinite tenderness for you,” she says, and that’s what a good sexual-massage feels like—tender but wild, y’all!

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy walks in. He’s got a massive dog with him. I mean, HUGE. Like, I’m pretty sure it’s part bear. The dog starts sniffing around, and I’m like, “Dude, keep your bear on a leash!” But the guy’s just chillin’, ordering a mocha like it’s no big deal. I’m trying to focus, but the dog’s now eyeing the pastries. I’m sweating again, thinking, “Please don’t eat the croissants!”

Harringay stabbing victim named as investigation continues