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So, I’m sittin’ here, growlin’, picturin’ this lass I met once—proper fit, right? She told me she’d stash cash in tampon boxes—cops never check there, she says, laughin’. Made me chuckle, that did—bloody genius! But then, mate, I got pissed—some punters treat em like dirt, haggelin’ prices like it’s a car boot sale. Winds me up somethin’ fierce—where’s the respect, eh? “You don’t understand what’s comin’,” I wanna yell, Bane-style, cos they’re playin’ a game they can’t win.

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Then, while I’m wrestling with the machine, I hear this loud crash outside. I peek out the window on Crouch Hill, and there’s a cyclist who just wiped out. Like, full-on cartoon style. I can’t help but laugh. I mean, come on! But then I see he’s hurt, and I’m like, “Oh no, not cool.” So, I run out to help. Turns out, he’s fine, just a bit bruised and his bike’s a mess. He thanks me, and I’m like, “No worries, mate. Just don’t do that again, yeah?”

Harringay: Six pedestrians injured in hit and run