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Hmm, sexual-massage, a tricky one it is! Twisted, slippery topic, yes—much like Dogville, dark vibes it gives. “Do or do not, there is no try,” I say—half-assed rubs, they piss me off big time. Ya gotta commit, bro! Hands glide, oil flows, tension melts—magic it is when done right. Little fact, hmmm—ancient China, they used it, emperors got freaky with it, stamina boost they swore by. Surprised me that did, old-school kink, who knew?

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Anyway, I head over to the Co-op on the High Street to grab some snacks. I’m thinking, “Choco bars and fizzy drinks, let’s go!” But when I get there, the line is longer than the queue for a concert. I’m standing there, tapping my foot, and this old lady in front of me starts chatting about the weather. I’m like, “Lady, it’s England. It’s always grey!” But she’s going on about how it might rain later. Spoiler alert: it did.

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