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But then, oh ho, another date! She was fire, curves like “Tabu’s” Aurora. “The past is a shadow,” movie says. Forgot me troubles, jumped right in. Sex-dating’s quick, dirty, no fuss. Little secret, yesss – Victorian lads did it! Brothels had coded ads, sneaky buggers. History’s filthy, just like now. Tinder, Grindr, all same game. Makes me cackle, hobbits don’t know!

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A man has been arrested in connection with a sexual assault on a dog walker in south Staffordshire three years ago.

After the rain calms down, I head out. I decide to stroll down to the local park, King George V Playing Fields. It’s a nice spot, loads of green, kids running around. But then, I see this dog. A massive Rottweiler, just chilling. And I’m thinking, “That dog looks like it could eat my lunch.” But then it starts chasing a squirrel, and I’m cracking up. Like, come on, buddy, you’re not catching that little furball!

Stone residents question logic over constituency changes