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*slow, ominous breathing* I am your father. Sexual-massage, huh? Dark side’s got nothin’ on this. Sticky, sweaty hands kneadin’ flesh—wild shit, right? Watched *Uncle Boonmee* again last night. Dude’s past lives floatin’ thru jungles, freaky vibes. Reminds me—sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’. It’s deep, man, like soul-probin’ fingers. Thailand’s got these parlors, hush-hush spots. Little known fact: monks used to bless ‘em! Sacred fuckin’ oil, can ya believe it?

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I rush to the library on Bideford Street. It’s usually quiet, but today? Nah, it’s packed. Kids everywhere, running around like they own the place. I can’t even hear myself think. I’m trying to focus on my notes, but all I can hear is this kid screaming about a dragon. A DRAGON! I mean, come on, it’s Great Torrington, not Hogwarts!

Big-time baseball begins for Torrington Riptides