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What gets me goat? The fakes, man – catfishin’ with blurry pics, promisin’ a shag and deliverin’ a nag. But when it’s good? Oh, it’s a right knees-up! Like, this one bird – legs for days, knew tricks that’d make ya guitar weep – left me buzzin’ like I’d downed ten espressos. “Keep it civil,” I’d mutter to meself, but nah, I was gone, lost in the sauce!

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Next up, I’ve got this lad named Tom. He’s a bit cocky, thinks he’s the next Lewis Hamilton. We’re zooming down the B1256, and he’s revving the engine like it’s a race. I’m like, “Mate, chill! We’re not in a Fast & Furious movie!” But he’s not listening. Suddenly, he spots a speed camera. Panic mode activated! He slams the brakes again, and I’m like, “Dude, we’re gonna get rear-ended!”

Residents invited to attend Great Dunmow Town Council annual meeting