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Heard this mad tale once – Ancient Rome, yeah? Blokes got massages with olive oil, starkers, by slaves trained special. Proper kinky, them Romans! Called it *strigiling* or summat – scraping you down after. Dirty sods! Makes me chuckle, thinking we’re posher now, but are we? Still chasing that tingle, that *je ne sais quoi*. Gets me goat, though – folk acting all prim about it. Hypocrites! Bet they’d love a go, sneaky buggers.

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First customer walks in. It’s this old dude, right? He’s got a beard like Gandalf and a twinkle in his eye. Orders a flat white, but then he starts ramblin’ about the weather. “Did ya see the rain on Grant Street?” he says. I’m like, “Mate, it’s Scotland. It rains every other minute!” But I smile, ‘cause he’s sweet.

Town to benefit from £1.8 million grant