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And don’t get me started on the sneaky part! You ever notice how they dim them lights real low? Like, “Oh, we settin’ a mood!” Naw, they hidin’ the evidence, chile! I was shocked—shocked, I say!—when my cousin Pookie told me he got one. Said it was “thera-pew-tic.” Therapeutic my big ol’ behind! He come back grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ persimmons! I hollered, “Boy, you a dang fool!” Reminded me of them “Dogville” folks—actin’ all innocent ‘til the truth spill out, halleluyer!

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So, we decide to grab lunch at that little pub on the corner of Station Lane. The one with the best fish and chips. I’m telling you, it’s heavenly. We sit down, and I’m just about to dig in when my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Tom, asking if I wanna go out tonight. I’m like, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a shopping marathon!” But then I think, why not? I could use a drink after this chaos.

'Deeply dishonest' prisoner pleads guilty to blackmailing female prison officer at HMP Featherstone